Okay so here’s a novel idea…I’m thinking about getting into blogging again. Possibly daily, I dunno yet. Reason being – well, there’re two reasons – my psychiatrist wanted me to start keeping a diary, and also, I’ve been really struggling lately and I purchased a laptop to try and help me still be productive even on my bad days when I can’t get out of bed. So, let me start by quickly running through a few things to bring you up to speed.
When I say struggling, I mean that being a human has become really difficult lately, for a number of reasons. Firstly, I’ve been on medication for depression for over a year now, and a few months ago it was increased to the maximum dose – it’s still not really working, per se. Also, after an initial assessment from a psychiatric nurse (that I see almost every other week), and my psychiatrist agrees, I’ve found out that I probably have post traumatic stress disorder, in part as a result of a mentally abusive relationship that I was in for several years, but mostly as a result of mental abuse from my real Dad – from the day I was born really, until recently when I stopped all contact with him. There have been a few other issues along the way, and really it’s all just gotten on top of me and I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to sift through all the crap and just get on with positive things.
I’ve actually felt a lot better since I got this laptop, which sound stupid, but it means that I’m not totally disconnected anymore. There are so many days that I spend almost entirely in bed feeling absolutely hopeless and incapable of doing things. I really want to get up and go on my PC, every day, and yet most days pass by and I still haven’t turned it on. So having a laptop means that I can eliminate feeling upset and annoyed about that, cause I can just grab the laptop and work on whatever I want. I’ve got Photoshop, so I can edit my photos and work on my web design, I’ve got Premiere and Audition so I can edit videos and record stuff, I’ve got Word so I can write my book. Then if I’m not feeling quite so productive I’ve got Netflix and Amazon Prime Video, as well as various games (I bought a kickass laptop haha, it can handle whatever I throw at it).
So anyway, I wanna just kind of write down my thoughts and feelings here and just…get stuff off my chest and if it helps people along the way then that’s super.
Today I woke up with what is probably a sinus infection, and it’s affected my jaw so I can’t open it properly, so eating is really difficult. I’m not even surprised when I wake up ill anymore. It happens so often nowadays, I just think…meh, whatever, course I’m ill. I ended up spending most of today asleep, which I really don’t like – but I’ve been making a conscious effort not to feel so annoyed with myself when I don’t manage to do something, because it won’t help, it just makes me feel even worse. I did get up in the evening and spend some time with my parents and my kitten. We watched TV for a while. I also managed to clean out my hamster’s cage, Marshmallow, so now he’s all happy again. I’d been needing to do it for a few days and I felt really bad for leaving it. So I’m pleased that’s done. I’ve come to bed feeling really ill again, and I plan to sit on my laptop for a while, maybe do some work on my book and then watch A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix.